If It Scares You It Might Be A Good Thing To Try

I had the wonderful and frightening opportunity of doing something new this week.   At the beginning of this year, as we sipped our Christmas mugs filled with sparkling cider, I challenged myself to take advantage of any opportunity I get, to do something new and out of the ordinary.  As a stay at home mom of five, I can sometimes feel like a prisoner in a jail of my own making, guarded by a little army that I created myself.  Its good most days, but it gets really hard to deal with when I see other people growing and changing and I feel like I'm withering without the light of a new idea, experience, or thought even.

The majority of my new experiences thus far have been along the lines of trying hot peppers with my Habit Burger or slacklining in the front yard, but this week I actually did something that pushed my limits.  Due to scheduling, I was coerced into covering a bridal photoshoot for one of our clients.  I know it doesn't sound too scary but for someone that has only shot as a second shooter or for family and friends, the idea of doing a shoot for a real paying client without even an assistant scared the pants off of me.

I wasn't so much worried about my ability to take photos (if I had I wouldn't have done it) but I knew I would have to put on the whole "photographer" show and that so isn't me.  I am not a showboat and I'm not terribly confidant about being in charge, but I knew I had to fake all that to build trust between me and the bride so that we could get the best photos possible.  Ahh!  Pressure.

I prepared as much as I could have before the day of the shoot and was feeling pretty good about it despite that forecast of rain and lightening storms (Did I mention that the photo shoot was on top of a mountain ski resort?  Ahh!  More pressure.).  Still the anxiety wanted to creep in like a cold breeze against a door.  I knew it was there but I tried not to pay any attention to it.  That would only feed it and give it power.  I started to think about positive things as I traveled up the winding mountain road.  A friend of mine had paid me a compliment that week and it had really affected me.  It wasn't much but just what I needed that day.  "You are so beautiful," she had said, "I don't think you even realize how beautiful you are and when you smile, the world is yours."

The world is mine!  I could do anything.  The smallest thought of that compliment filled me with confidence.  But then I noticed that I subconsciously wouldn't give that beautiful idea more than a seconds thought.  "Why?"  I wondered.  It was a great thought.  Why don't I just focus on those words and take them in and let the words fill me with what I need.  I started to do just that and then quickly realized why I wouldn't allow it before.

Have you ever wondered why brains work the way they do?  Like why my brain would take such a lovely thought and start tearing it apart and doubting every stitch of it?  That is what my subconscious was protecting me from.  From my own degrading self.  As I started to contemplate what my friend had stated, I quickly thought of all the reasons why it didn't hold water.  "She doesn't know me that well."  "She has no idea if the world bows to me just because I smile."  "Most of the time, people think I'm just a pretty face that doesn't have anything else to offer."  "I'm pretty sure I'm the most boring person in the world and I only smile simply because I have nothing else to offer."

I had to push those thoughts quickly from my mind as I started to notice the anxiety building up and my heart beating faster.  I reset my brain and focused again, just for a moment, on the positive words, and then left it at that and went to work.

And the shoot was flawless!  The clouds came and went with out leaving a drop of rain.  The bride was the best person to work with and I had done something new.  Something that proved that I was more than just a mother of five, but that I could create beautiful new art all by myself.

 

 

But now that it's over I go back to my subconscious mind and wonder why would we be wired like that.  To distrust even the best parts of us.  I recently found out a friend of mine has been battling bulimia for years and has only now started a blog to help her fight the battle.  As I read her entries describing the hurtful inner voice that tells her she's ugly and fat, it sounds too familiar.   Why must we as women carry around such a hurtful inner voice.  Even the most positive of people (me included) have it there somewhere.  We just push it away so that it doesn't control us, but it's there just the same.    Please let's just be nice to each other and know that even the nice things we do can be twisted and turned ugly.  And absolutely, lets please not put anymore mean thoughts out there guys.

Be strong and try to trust the good!  We really are awesome!  We just need to believe in ourselves.
 That's all!  Oh and try new things!  It's invigorating!

Make Today Amazing!

So it's weird to sit down at my keyboard and not know at all about what I'm about to write.  The blog has been pulling at my fingers like a dog wanting to be petted, but I'm afraid that I'm not sure what to say.

Our summer has rocked so far, filled with new outings, water parks, swim parties, trips to lakes, hikes and awesome shaved ice.

And let's not forget the Fourth.  This Fourth of July was one of the best I have had in the last few years.  I was so happy to be able to share it with my sister Amy and her family who have been across the country in the land of Washington DC for the last 4 years.  And I especially loved the time that I got to share with the Hubby.  Brenden was the perfect date for the Fourth.  To be able to see this man relax and play when usually he works so hard is a joy to see!  It made my day!

 

Since the Fourth though I have been kind of in a funk.  I think it's because Independence Day has always marked the mid point of summer for me and that's a bit depressing.  I know, I know... I complained about the first week of summer in the last post, but I think we got into the groove of it since then and I hate to see it go so fast.  

So I have been watching old seasons of The Amazing Race this summer.  Oh how I love this show!!  If you've read my first post you know how I feel about travel and in a perfect world I would be the girl that dominates the whole race and wins the million dollars.  I'm not sure though, that the mom of five, who occasionally exercises and doesn't ever want to be dropped or dangled off the edge of something extremely high would be that dominator, but who knows.  There were those goat farmers who surprised us all, right?

Anyway, I've been watching it with the kids and there will be times when the teams are in some dirty third world city, sludging through filth to complete a road block that is just emulating what the people of that country do all the time.  Sometimes, the kids will state how they would never be able to do that and I of course chime in with words of wisdom that I hope will fill their heads with ideals of adventure, open-mindedness, and exploration. "Oh yes you can!"  "Can you imagine how it would be to live like this every day?  This is their life and it would be awesome to experience it!"  "It might seem hard to you, but these people do it all the time and look how happy they look!"

Soon I was actually imparting wisdom upon myself.  As I have been watching the show I find myself wishing I could experience all of that.  That's why people like us travel right?  To be able to see all the beautiful differences of this world and to experience how one place can be so differently defined...the good the bad and the ugly.  As I sit on my comfy red sectional, in my air conditioned house, watching my big (really not that big, but I'm trying to make a point here) screen TV,  I long for the chance to be in a hot, smelly village somewhere learning how they gather water for their people.  Why?  Because of  the knowledge I would gain, the experience, and the hidden joys that come from the adventure.  So why can't it be like that in our own life?

I know this is going to take you by surprise, but the life of a mom is not full of nights on the town and fancy clothes, and 5 star hotels.  There are a good number of days where you are sludging through filth, picking up food off the ground and sometimes serving it back to your kids (haha), and abandoning all attempts to look good as you set out to help and serve the locals, constantly learning new techniques (sometimes from the locals, sometimes to help the locals) and hopefully somewhere along the way finding the hidden joys that comes from this way of life.  So I should be jumping up and down with excitement!  I'm living the dream right?  Yes!

Chances are I will never be on The Amazing Race, but I think this month I have learned that this life is my amazing race.  I hope we can always find joy in it's ups and downs, road blocks and detours and be thankful for the opportunity even if we don't leave the race a millionaire.  So go out and try new foods, do new things and love every minute of the time you have.    After all, every adventure is worth while.

Happy Fourth of July Chalkboard

Time for my absolute favorite holiday ever.  That's right folks she even beats Christmas.  I am a little cuckoo over it but its the BEST time of the year hands down.